How many times have you been to a wedding, and the aunty-ji sat next to
you, pinches your cheeks and points to the beaming, blushing bride, asking you
when you are going to be next? Does it matter what you feel? Does it
matter what point you are at in your life? Does anything matter..? You have
graduated, are in a stable job and are single... Is that enough to now, settle
down...?
‘When is it your turn..?!’
Why is it that the moment that young girl is a graduate, the marriage
conversations shower down and usually from the extended family and family
friends, more than the immediate family itself? Living in the western world, most are blessed enough to choose their own
life partner, with the blessings of the family, however despite living in the
21st century, in a multi-cultural cities like London, Birmingham, Leicester and so forth, there are still
some of those who believe that the tradition of arranged marriages should still
be upheld. Some of those families that have settled and built their lives in
the United Kingdom, being away from their homeland, feel that they need to hold
onto their roots, their culture, their traditions, including, the one of an
arranged marriage. The major characteristic is the most interesting one, not just
the coming together of two people, but rather the coming together of two
families. Traditionally, money, property or even land was ‘gifted’ from the bride’s side, better known as a dowry. Though legally, this is no longer
exists, but is this really case? With the amount of cash, gold and gifts that
are showered upon the groom and their family, as the tradition dictates, is
this any lesser than a formal dowry itself? Just some food for thought...
Whilst statics and research shows that divorce numbers are higher in the
western society, it could also be said that due to the stigmas attached to
marriage, the pressures actually held the marriage together. As mentioned
earlier, an arranged marriage is not just the union of two people, but two
families and thus a whole network built around the marriage, be it a support or
interference, therefore minimizing the option of divorce.
Now being a young Brit-Asian, one automatically becomes attached to the
two cultures; one you are born with and one you are born into, and this is
where one is torn with difficulty. Do you live by the modern lifestyle and do
as you please, as you may see your peers do, or do you live by your elders’
dreams, ways and traditions? Rejecting their parent’s notions out right would
be welcoming World War III, inclusive of the guilt, tears and dramas, instead
most youngsters now choose to take the smarter option. They agree to be
introduced, but outline their wants in a partner first. Once agreed, the
match-making starts. However, what about those who do not agree, or have chosen
someone who is not of the same cast, creed or culture? Are they shunned away or
are they welcomed into the family and society with welcome arms. Worse still, are
they welcomed in, but spoken in negative manners, behind their backs?
When speaking to young Brit-Asian males, they will usually say the
pressure is on them to find the right girl, as bringing home the ‘wrong’ girl could, potentially tear and
spilt the entire family apart. They usually feel they need to find a bride who
is happy to cover her head and sing along to the prayers that taking place at a
local temple on Saturday night, for family functions. However, she also needs
to be able to hold herself in amongst a group of friends, out on a Saturday
night, at a bar or club, for a friend’s birthday or play the modern, educated
partner at a work function. Alongside this, the usual requirements are standard
asks; well-educated, able to cook and run a house-hold, self-respect and so
on.
However, as society knows and see it, the most pressure is placed upon
the young Brit-Asian females to find her Mr. Right and get married. Whilst they are growing up, the verbal
training begins including house-hold training, grooming training and mannerism
training. Whilst studying, the practical training starts, how to create the
perfect dal, how to increase their RPM, (Rotis
Per Minute), how to drape and wear a saree, that does not fall off or
require a dozen safety pins. However as they edge to the completion of their
studies, that is when the discrete hunt begins. Parents, uncles, aunties, and
the grandparents start the word of mouth process.
Be this at the local temple, a neighbour’s party or even a family wedding. The
traditional-thinking females will be happy with this set-up, not wanting the
hassles and headaches of finding their own life partner or wanting to upset or
disturb the tried and tested ways. The modernised feminists will argue this
point, and rightly so. If one studies and builds themselves, then surely they should
be able to build their life and their career. Surely their hands are not only
made for henna? However does this mean they are not traditional, not cultured,
not respective of their traditions and family? Yet, they will be labelled or
stereotyped under one tag or another, if they are not married within years of
graduating and settling into a job.
Yet if one speaks to the parenting generation, they shall argue that
these methods and traditions have been working, foolproof and failsafe for many
decades now, without any problems. So why should today’s youth question a
simple, yet tranquil tradition, that works and pleases all around.
Is there ever a way that will please one and all, without causing hurt
or upset and despite living in a multi-cultural land, in the 21st
Century, it is shocking to hear and know that such thoughts of age, cast,
colour and creed still plays such an important factor in the marriage of a
young Brit-Asian.
